The Hurricane Heist Review

Boy, oh boy, do I have a masterpiece to introduce to you today!

The Hurricane Heist. AKA, if some scientists cooked up a combination of Ocean's 8, F8 of the Furious, Geostorm, and Sharknado, only to find out that (surprise, surprise) what they've made is a complete disaster. It's like a trainwreck: you know that what you're watching is terrible, but you can't help but stare at it for the entire duration. The title's pretty self-explanatory, right? WRONG. Believe it or not, this film is not about a group of thugs stealing a boatload of cash during a hurricane. Rather, it's about Shannon from Lost and (I kid you not) Koba from Planet of the Apes (new ones) trying to STOP a group of thugs stealing a boatload of cash during a hurricane. We're off to a great start, aren't we? This film comes the horribly named Entertainment Studios who also brought us the Chappaquiddick movie (which is not bad at all) and everyone's least favorite shark movie, 47 Meters Down. Hear me out: this film simultaneously the best and worst film by this studio. It is also without a doubt the best bad movie of the year. Its badness actually makes it very fun to watch unfold. Yes, it's an absolutely terrible movie on almost every standpoint imaginable. But if I had to choose between rewatching The Hurricane Heist, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, A Wrinkle in Time, The 15:17 to Paris, or (gag) The Darkest Minds, by all means I will take this film.

First of all, let's talk about the astounding ineptitude of this film. Listen, I'm no meteorologist, but I know a thing or two about hurricanes. I mean, I experienced Katrina! Plus, my family has been prepping before hurricanes for years. I know enough about hurricanes to know that you don't decide to board up your windows about a half an hour before the hurricane hits. Or go out during a hurricane to get your car unstuck from a ditch. Or stand RIGHT BY some non-boarded windows during a hurricane. These are basic preparation procedures that I knew as a 5 year-old, yet I just mentioned 3 things that occurs in the duration of The Hurricane Heist. Also, the meteorologist character claims that the hurricane in the film is a Category 5, with winds at 600 miles per hour. That's just impossible. The highest recorded sustained wind speed was from Hurricane Allen at 190 mph, less than a third of the speed of Hurricane Tammy in this film. Believe me, they don't only mess up their hurricane knowledge. Some of the mistakes they made could be fixed by a simple Google Search. First of all, the location happens to be a Federal Reserve located in Gulfport, Alabama (I did not mistype, we'll get back to that in a second). So on the eve of a massive hurricane, these guys decide to rob a federal reserve (I think? They don't really say) located in Gulfport, which doesn't exist. The money sent to this reserve is going to be shredded. Yes, in Gulfport, Alabama (I'm know it hurts but I'm gonna get to it very soon). While the Reserves do shred bills, there's no way they would have one located in some random small town. They have them located in much bigger cities, like New Orleans, Cleveland, and Houston just to name a few. There is no way on Earth they are going to have one in a town as big as Gulfport. Or at least, one as big as their portrayal of Gulfport, because it's very clear that no one making this film has ever been to Gulfport. Why? Oh I don't know..........

BECAUSE THEY WOULD'VE KNOWN THAT GULFPORT IS IN MISSISSIPPI, NOT ALABAMA. (Told you I was gonna get there)

How? How do you manage to mess something up like that so royally? Especially considering that you can Google a city's name and Google will tell you where the city is located.

Also, if they had gone to image search, they would've also seen that Gulfport isn't some small town in the middle of nowhere. It's not even close to the size of a small town. Lastly, there is no area anywhere in the South as hilly as "Alabama" is in the film. This is why you maybe shouldn't film a movie that takes place in Southern United States in Bulgaria (for real). Just a good idea for future reference. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that this film is broken, because it honestly is. But believe it or not, these amateur mistakes make the film even more entertaining and hilarious. Honestly, would you rather watch a dull, boring action film that gets some facts right or an baffling, almost incompetent film that gets EVERYTHING WRONG. Personally, I'll take the latter and have a good time watching it. 

Now let's bring up some more core issues: the acting and characters. Hoo Boy! It's the type of acting that will make you go.....

Like I said, this film takes place Gulfport, ALABAMA (It's painful to type it), so obviously most of the characters should have a southern accent right? To make it even more accurate, all of them probably should. That's what makes O Brother, Where Art Thou? feel authentic; every character has an accent corresponding with the area that they are located in. Yet oddly enough, The Hurricane Heist has only three characters who live in Alabama. And all three characters have the most over-exaggerated southern accents because they are each played by Brits. This is where we're at now, people. It's also strange to consider that there are only 3 characters with southern accents in a film that takes place in Alabama, yet there's also countless characters with no accent, an Irish villain (we'll get back to him later), a British hacker, and a valley girl. Yes, a valley girl is one of the main characters. I can't think of one performance that was, at the very least, good. It's kinda hard to do that, considering that the female lead once played one of the most annoying characters on Lost. I can't even remember the names of any characters in the film. Oh wait, I remember one: PERKINS. He's the villain of the story from Ireland who leads a group of thugs to steal all the monies from the shredder during a hurricane, baby! This man, he's nuts. Think of a guy who creates this complex plan so he can get rich and retire early back home in Ireland, yet also has the patience and attitude of a toddler. However, when he has his baby fits, he has a gun in his hand. That's Perkins for ya! The only discernible character in the whole film! At least it's something!

You know, I would go through more about this film, but I think it has to be seen to believe. For once, I am actually recommending you watch this awful film, because it has some serious entertainment value as a "so bad, it's good" movie. It's on Netflix, so thankfully, it doesn't take much effort to find it. Basically, I'm saying that if you like to watch hilariously bad movies, The Hurricane Heist is definitely for you.

SCORE: 2/10

In terms of quality, I don't think this film has any. But I simply had way too much fun watching this film to give it a 1/10. I still say watch it, even though it's terrible.