Rampage Review

I think I've officially lost my mind. I don't what I expected from this. I don't know why I checked this out. But I did. Rampage is about a gorilla, a wolf, and a crocodile who get mutated and become giants. And then the idiot corporation who made the mutations decide to attract them to Chicago, because money. And it happens to be based on an 80s arcade game which has been labeled as “a game about nothing”. That's the whole movie. There's nothing else to it. I’m not even going to over-analyze this. I just wanted basic levels of entertainment from this movie and it failed to even deliver that.

I have almost nothing to talk about, simply because this was one of the most boring movies I've seen all year. The filmmakers actually tried to take this idea seriously, which I find to be baffling. How does one look at the poster for this and say, "Wow, a serious action movie with a giant gorilla. Exactly what I wanted.” I honestly thought this movie was a comedy when looked at the poster. But the sad reality is that it’s not even close to being a comedy. Even though being a comedy would be the only way this film would’ve worked. The best joke they could come up with was having the gorilla give the middle finger to The Rock, which only gave me a mild chuckle the first time (yes, he does it twice, and it’s entirely ruined by the second one). That’s it. That’s the only part of the movie where it felt like they tried to create comedy.

Let me diverge from talking about Rampage in order to talk about a good monster movie: Cloverfield. The original Cloverfield came out 10 years ago, yet it still manages to be the high standard for monster movies (for me). It’s a film that doesn’t want to be serious in any way. The only goal is pure entertainment. A vast portion of the film can legitimately be considered a comedy, yet it also manages to terrify the viewer with some unexpected shock value (“MARLENA NO!!!”). It’s a perfect mix of comedy, horror, and action, which is all compacted into a short 80 mins that’s designed in a found-footage format. I find this to be a very rewatchable film (maybe even moreso than its even better “sequel”, 10 Cloverfield Lane) and a great example of how to correctly make a fun, dumb monster movie.

Now let’s get back to Rampage. It fails to achieve anything I mentioned that Cloverfield was able to. There’s no comedy. There are no thrills. Heck, there’s not even enough explosions. A movie called Rampage should have much more explosions! But it’s even bare in that category! So what if the dialogue is passable. So what if the acting isn’t the worst I’ve ever seen. It ultimately doesn’t matter because the film doesn’t give any reason for it to exist (or for me to watch it) other than the sole purpose to make all of the monies that it possibly can. And oh boy, did it make money.

If I’m not mistaken, this film made over 400 million dollars. Really? You’re meaning to tell me that great movies like First Man and Operation Finale are failing to make back their budgets, yet this gets $400 mil? You’re meaning to tell me that great movies like A Quiet Place and Isle of Dogs can be box office successes, yet their successes are ultimately irrelevant when you consider that Rampage made $400 mil? Guys, just stop seeing movies like this! If we stop paying to see films like this and Transformers, they’ll stop making them! It seems like that’s the case with YA movies; people stopped seeing them and lo-and-behold, awful movies like The Darkest Minds won’t be released as frequently. Just don’t waste your time with these. See something that needs support. Heck, you could honestly just go see a Marvel or Star Wars movie, because at least they’re good. Just don’t see stuff like this.

SCORE: 1/10

There’s really nothing of value in this film. I don’t even recommend watching it in an ironic way. Just don’t support them at all. That’s what I recommend you viewers do. If you like the Rock, watch Skyscraper. If you like video-games, watch the new Tomb Raider. Heck, if you like movies about giant apes, watch literally any Kong movie. Or if you just like monster movies, again, watch Cloverfield or any of the cheesy, old Japanese ones (like Godzilla or Mothra) Just please, avoid this one. Don't support them. Watch anything else. ANYTHING. Just don't give them the satisfaction for making